I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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