I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
