genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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