I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
