Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
