he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
