He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize