The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
