Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My vagina is officially offended.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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