I just pynch a tree in the face
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
