wakey wakey hands off snakey
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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