someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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