I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
