i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
