I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
