hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
All I want is dick and wine.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
