just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
