Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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