Just fell off a train. Bad.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
