I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
