I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't deserve a penis
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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