You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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