I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You need Xanax blowdarts
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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