hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize