C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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