Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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