Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
it's like heaven, but drunker
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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