I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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