you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
