90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
