I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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