He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
