I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
