here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I FOUND THE LEGS
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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