Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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