Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
