I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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