Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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