May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
