I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
