I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
