All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
