I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
