We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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