Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i just had sex bonerless
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
