you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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