Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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