she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
