You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
