who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
