someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My legs feel like baby dolphins
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
