peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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