I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
