Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
