things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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