I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
