Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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