Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
