There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
