No stitches, just platelets and will power
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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