the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize