Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
