i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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