I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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