How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
