I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How naked do you want me to be?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
