The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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