you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
