she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
