I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
